My fight for personal power started before I was born, as I was destined to live within my dysfunctional family system. Without good emotional skills, my thinking didn’t serve me well and so I wanted to run away at age 5. Because of generational alcoholism, we were all affected by the sinister ways of dealing with life. Everyone in my family, and each family, from generation to generation has dealt with unusual trauma. The trauma and shame, would bring me to my knees at a young age.
Trauma and more trauma, was exchanged, affecting my existential disposition. It taught me to be hard on myself, and to worry about things I couldn’t control. Nothing like a living nightmare to keep me on my toes?
All of us are born innocent, and full of life, apart of the Light system. Then, while inside my young Clay Tabernacle, my world crumbled even more, after a scary event, at age 1 changing me forever. Being rolled over by a car, and left alone, at the ER, over night, messed with me. It made me fear and anticipate anything that might hurt me. There was only limited support by my already compromised earthly parents. This event changed me.. making me afraid and over anxious.
However, by divine intervention, my parents were converted to the Christian Faith, attending church regularly. Here, I learned about the LIGHT of Christ.
It seemed, as though, my spirit recognize the Spirit of God, gladly accepting His offer of support.
Following him, our friendship blossomed, and gave me a place to rest from my fears, worries etc. I was a young disciple of Christ, which blessed me with endless peace, hope, and love. By His power, I tasted what my own personal power was, feeling free from judgments.
This lasted until my tweens when the velocity of social/ emotional turmoil would ruin me. Right then and there were my values ridiculed and laughed at, bringing me into a sort of servitude to those that mocked me. It wasn’t fun and it didn’t feel right but I wanted to belong. It was a choice by choice tit ration of sorts to again bring me to my knees, having to deal with the dark systems.
By the time I was 18, I found myself on a precipice, ready for self destruction. My heart was broken, discouraged and feeling hopeless, if which are Satan’s favorite tools. These feelings were constant, conditioning me to believe suicide was the solution.
Although I never did kill myself I wanted to, only to face death face to face at 21.
I had made a rash decision to drive my little motorcycle home from the local bar where I lived believing I would be fine to. When I was really home, in my neighborhood, I blacked out hitting the back of a RV. This was a serious accident, having lost my helmet after impact, my head hitting the RV soundly. A moment after that, I chose to die, falling to the pavement ready to give up the ghost. My God had other plans for me, as a couple living nearby heard the accident calling for help. I then awoke with a DUI stuck to my face. It was my wake up call, deciding to seek help for my issues. This would lead me down the way I had wanted to go, needing answers, and finding them.
I set out to find my way to have a life worth living, diving into the Lord and recovery finding the answers I had been seeking. It is my life’s work, discovering the roots of my dysfunction, learning about the disease of generational alcoholism. Although it was a struggle, it gave me answers I longed for. I wasn’t a victim anymore I was living life on life’s terms, struggling and flying at times.
Learning different types of healthy schools of thought, I found the answers I needed, seeing a myriad of ways to heal and be productive.
Of course there was my scriptures and prayer to utilize. It was to my benefit, seeking the Lord by the standards I had known. Scripture and prayer, is a known system of the light, something I never truly dived into. Having nearly died I insisted on dying the deal. It paid off, connecting to God, getting guidance from the light as much as I wanted.
I learned my limits with Jack and how painful that is.