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Forgive and Forget?

 

Didn’t know I was a fan of Bob Dillan until Ministry covered this song of his. Its soo wonderful how the harmony and melody by Dillan is accentuated with the voice of this lead singer of Ministry’s mouth.

This post is about forgiveness: Something I think I got twisted inside fear. You see, because I was never able to feel like an individual growing up in generational alcoholism, I had this very distinct taste of childish fear that would follow me into my adult years. It’s also from being injured as a toddler by a vehicle, then left in an ER hospital after the nurses said to go to my parents. NONSENSE!!

From the Mayo Clinic

Why is it so easy to hold a grudge?

Being hurt by someone, particularly someone you love and trust, can cause anger, sadness and confusion. If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges filled with resentment, vengeance and hostility can take root. If you allow negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice.

Some people are naturally more forgiving than others. But even if you’re a grudge holder, almost anyone can learn to be more forgiving.

What are the effects of holding a grudge? 

If you’re unforgiving, you might:

  • Bring anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience
  • Become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can’t enjoy the present
  • Become depressed or anxious
  • Feel that your life lacks meaning or purpose, or that you’re at odds with your spiritual beliefs
  • Lose valuable and enriching connectedness with others

Because I didn’t develop very keen coping techniques, and was never taught any, I was abused by my “friends” and associates in grade-school and so on. They would say smart aleck comments and that would turn into just abusive garbage. It was catastrophic, emotional burdening occurring at the time. Over and over again because I had not developed like the other kids. I was smart, funny, and cute, but just couldn’t ride with the bullshit that comes from smart mouthed children in our lovely society. It wasn’t something I wanted to even touch, the way they talked to me, and I couldn’t imagine ever doing it back to them.

It was a catch 22, because by using my infantile, immature way of handling these situations by ignoring them or walking away, it created a hurricane of reactions in the world, because people seek to hurt other people all the time and with slick esteem and style, especially to those who are weaker than others. This was crushing to me, because I hated the way it made anyone feel much less myself. I just couldn’t get away from it without looking really immature and “weak”, attracting more attention to the matter.

How do I reach a state of forgiveness?

Forgiveness is a commitment to a personalized process of change. To move from suffering to forgiveness, you might:

  • Recognize the value of forgiveness and how it can improve your life
  • Identify what needs healing and who needs to be forgiven and for what
  • Consider joining a support group or seeing a counselor
  • Acknowledge your emotions about the harm done to you and how they affect your behavior, and work to release them
  • Choose to forgive the person who’s offended you
  • Move away from your role as victim and release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in your life

As you let go of grudges, you’ll no longer define your life by how you’ve been hurt. You might even find compassion and understanding.

It obviously went on and on until after high school, and after I had developed a taste for mind altering substances. But what had happened all those years stayed inside my body, creating a salacious drive to express myself through using, poetry, and music. Because I was anti anger anti hate, I didn’t let myself feel those feelings until recently. I had a dream or two where I was beating up those girls that took it upon themselves to make me feel miserable. It was astonishing to me, I remember, and when I woke up, I realized I needed to pay attention to that anger.

Here I am, thinking about that time in my life. I don’t feel like I should’ve taken everything so personally, and try not to take anything too personally today, but also make sure I am not being walked upon. I guess I’m afraid that if I forgive them, then my guard will go down and I will be an agent for more displeasure. You see, right now I am not speaking to many of them, having deleted them from my FB because of my insecurities about what had happened, and feeling victimized over and over again each time I posted and didn’t get one of their kudos or whatever from them. It’s because I’m scarred from it all. It went soooo deep for SOOO long that I just ran after HS. I ran to get away from it and the fact is is that its still there.. The pain from being abused and bullied by them, and for placing myself in harms way.

I do not have any close relationships today except with my son and I’m not sure why. This is why I’m thinking I need to forgive everyone that have been mean to me over the years. I just have to accept it and let it go. Let go of my fears for it happening again, or of being alone forever if I don’t do this.

So, to all you who chose to drive your insults and derisive language my way I forgive you. Although it made me implode on myself into nearly killing myself, I forgive you. Despite feeling like I was an animal, a non entity or a pile of shame, I forgive you. I accept that you have your own struggles and difficulties too. I accept that you were ignorant and selfish and could’ve been better mannered but were not. I forgive you for punching me in the teeth, in front of everyone, and then laughing about it. To all the guys who thought I should be man handled, I forgive you. I was and am a lovely lady and it was hard to be gentle and know how to treat me when my friends and everyone spit on me.

I forgive you girls who fell away from our friendship because I was interfering with your ability to be queen bee. I forgive you for falling away because your Dad told you to stop seeing me or whatever. I forgive you for pushing me towards drugs and alcohol. I forgive you for pushing me into suicidal behavior for years. I forgive you for taking away real and true love because I was so damaged.

What happens if I can’t forgive someone?

Forgiveness can be challenging, especially if the person who’s hurt you doesn’t admit wrong. If you find yourself stuck:

  • Practice empathy. Try seeing the situation from the other person’s point of view.
  • Ask yourself why he or she would behave in such a way. Perhaps you would have reacted similarly if you faced the same situation.
  • Reflect on times you’ve hurt others and on those who’ve forgiven you.
  • Write in a journal, pray or use guided meditation — or talk with a person you’ve found to be wise and compassionate, such as a spiritual leader, a mental health provider, or an impartial loved one or friend.
  • Be aware that forgiveness is a process, and even small hurts may need to be revisited and forgiven over and over again.

I was and am a fragile person. It RAVAGED me to try and be “apart”. You don’t see me doing that now. Now I feel great as a single Mom. I’m not unhappy, but this haunted me for awhile now. I couldn’t stand violence in any form as a child and it causes severe reactions inside me. It created an unlivable way of living that perpetuated and grew into some real dark sickness all on my own, making living worse than dying, and then all the struggles to “be right” or understand the world and myself in at all. Just wasn’t happening as I climbed one step after the other.. until I came back to me, the one that was buried by all the violence to begin with.. The ME that has been through so much and now have so much to share about. I’m stronger than I know but in the end I want to be able to use my life for others to learn from. I hope this blog is serving you… NLM

NLM

Hi I'm writing about my life's experiences to bring light on them and to share how I was transformed by them.

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