My fight for personal power started before I was born. Destined to live in a dysfunctional family system, I was dealt a hand to be reckoned with.
We all had spirits before we came to Earth to learn Godly abilities. We choose to come here, receive bodies, born inside the Light. Our Clay Tabernacles our spirits reside in,to teach us the basics of Godhood. Our flesh is temporally flawed, creating the conflicting avenues of life and personal growth. Through the weakness of our flesh, our spirits train to be above it, making us stronger. My own clay tabernacle has been affected by outside pressures, and internal flaws, creating my own particular adventure to overcome.
Coming from generational alcoholism, trauma was apart of my ancestry. This trauma was handed down to me through my parents, creating my own world of pain early on. Being in a tragic accident at a young age, I earned my first PTSD badge, causing me to be overly needy and desperate. This was more than my parents could give me.
Having started ruminating on my self worth, I decided I did not like myself. The trauma and shame was overwhelming at times. These struggles with my dark feelings of hopelessness caused me to want to run away at age 5. This low self esteem and desperation was the underlying force throughout my life.
There were good times, but they dimmed in comparison to the unbridled fears that kept me from emotional independence. I had serious issues I tried to fix, by be hard on myself. So, I stayed broken, and in extreme anxiousness. I worried incessantly about things I couldn’t control. This was how my PTSD haunted me, disabling my ability to enjoy personal power throughout my life.
However, by divine intervention, my parents were converted to a Christian Faith, attending church regularly. Here, I learned about the LIGHT of Christ.
At this time, it seemed, as though, my spirit recognized the Spirit of God, gladly accepting His offer of support.
Following him, our friendship blossomed, and gave me a place to rest from my fears, worries etc. I was a young disciple of Christ, which blessed me with endless peace, hope, and love. By His power, I tasted what my own personal power was, feeling free from judgments.
This lasted until my tweens when the velocity of social/ emotional turmoil would ruin me. Right then and there were my values ridiculed and laughed at, bringing me into a sort of servitude to those that mocked me. It wasn’t fun and it didn’t feel right but I wanted to belong. It was a choice by choice tit ration of sorts to again bring me to my knees, having to deal with the dark systems.
By the time I was 18, I found myself on a precipice, ready for self destruction. My heart was broken, discouraged and feeling hopeless, if which are Satan’s favorite tools. These feelings were constant, conditioning me to believe suicide was the solution.
Although I never did kill myself I wanted to, only to face death face to face at 21.
I had made a rash decision to drive my little motorcycle home from the local bar where I lived believing I would be fine to. When I was really home, in my neighborhood, I blacked out hitting the back of a RV. This was a serious accident, having lost my helmet after impact, my head hitting the RV soundly. A moment after that, I chose to die, falling to the pavement ready to give up the ghost. My God had other plans for me, as a couple living nearby heard the accident calling for help. I then awoke with a DUI stuck to my face. It was my wake up call, deciding to seek help for my issues. This would lead me down the way I had wanted to go, needing answers, and finding them.
I set out to find my way to have a life worth living, diving into the Lord and recovery finding the answers I had been seeking. It is my life’s work, discovering the roots of my dysfunction, learning about the disease of generational alcoholism. Although it was a struggle, it gave me answers I longed for. I wasn’t a victim anymore I was living life on life’s terms, struggling and flying at times.